Mentally Disturbed
by Mare Tranquillitatis
Summary: Ginny is helping Luna to become Ron's dream girl. But Luna's an erotomaniac. Ginny turns to Pansy instead, this makes Draco jealous. And what about Harry? Well, he thinks Pansy is one hot whore. I am the best at summaries!
1. Erotomaniacs and a Lack of Bumpage

Chapter One: Erotomaniacs and a Lack of Bumpage  
  
Ginny sat in the library, quietly reading over her Potions essay and making sure it was good enough for Snape. She was horrible at writing essays and Professor Snape knew it. If only she could have a tutor...   
  
"Hello Ginny," Luna said dreamily as she sat down across from her. Luna's blonde hair was in a terrible state as Luna had recently claimed that combs were useless and were a complete waste of whatever material they were made of. Ginny would agree, but Luna could afford to have horrible hair. She was Luna "Loony" Lovegood. With her, it was expected.   
  
Ginny grimaced back, "Er, hello Luna." She ducked back behind her essay and pretended to be busy. Luna had been following her around as of late and kept asking about her brother Ron. She obviously had it bad for him and didn't know that he was currently "taken" by Hermione Granger.   
  
"Have you seen Ronald?" Luna's eyes glossed over and she smiled to herself, "He said he would meet me here."  
  
Either she was an erotomaniac or Ron had lied to her. If it had been the latter, Ginny was going to kill Ron. She put down her Potions essay and began to blow on it so it would dry. In between blowing and panting, she answered Luna, "No, I haven't. Maybe he got distracted?"  
  
Luna kept smiling and stood up, "Well, I suppose I will go find him then." She waved goodbye and turned towards the library doors, making a rather dramatic exit. Ginny rolled her eyes and packed up her things to find her brother of whom had a very good chance of being dead by the end of the day.   
  
Ginny made her way out of the library and down the corridor, looking out for Ron the entire time. She paused to take a left turn and head up some stairs before turning the corner...   
  
"Oh!" she exclaimed, not having expected to see anybody coming from the opposite direction. It was Draco Malfoy and he looked as snarky as ever. She was surprised they hadn't bumped into each other passionately and ended up in a rather intimate position that she would have liked to stay in forever if she could...   
  
Ginny snapped back to reality. She was currently in an awkward place, she wanted to get by but Malfoy was right in front of her. As she tried to move left so she could get around him, he moved right. She sighed and began to move right as he moved left.   
  
"Do you mind standing still?" Malfoy asked coldy and shoved her to the left so he could head down the very stairs she had been climbing earlier. "Bitch," she thought she heard him say.  
  
Ginny glared at his retreating form and yelled, "Bastard!" down the stair well before looking for her brother for another reason entirely.   
  
"I can't believe he did that! I mean, pushing you to the side was understandably Malfoy..." Hermione reasoned, her hair bushier than normal because she was completely against the third Harry Potter movie where Emma Watson portrayed her hair horribly. What happened to the bushiness? The bushiness was essence of Hermione, and without it... there just wasn't a Hermione. All you had... was a washed up Emma Watson. Hermione's eye twitched at the thought of it.   
  
"But nobody calls Ginny a bitch!" Ron cried out. Some of the first years in the Common Room turned to stare wide eyed at him and began to giggle at the fact that a Prefect had said a naughty word.   
  
Hermione's jaw opened wide, "Ron!"   
  
He shrugged, "What?"  
  
Ginny watched the current argument over what she had just told them. Of course she had left out the part of her calling Draco Malfoy a 'Bastard', but she was going with a gut feeling that he hopefully hadn't heard her.   
  
Harry was sitting next to Ginny on the couch, a book open on his lap, his hands covering his ears so he could hear himself think. Ginny felt a bit guilty that she had interrupted their study time. When she remembered why she had been looking for Ron in the first place.   
  
"Oh, Ron?" she asked.   
  
"I'm sorry Hermione! I..." Ron paused, "What is it Ginny? We're talking..."  
  
Ginny stood up and crossed her arms, glaring at him, "Did you or did you not tell Luna that you would meet her in the library today?" Ron's eyes went wide as saucers.   
  
"Why were you meeting Luna?" Hermione asked, a hint of jealousy in her voice. She knew Luna had a huge crush on Ron. But if he was in turn, leading Luna on, then there would be consequences!  
  
"Oops?" Ron looked guilty.   
  
"Oops to what? Asking Luna to meet you, or oops to forgetting to meet her?" Ginny asked.   
  
Ron backed up a bit and almost tripped over as Hermione and Ginny stared him down. Much like American tourists were told to do to Italian drivers when they were crossing the street.   
  
"I did not ask Luna to meet me, okay?" Ron held up his hands in surrender. Hermoine immediately felt proud of Ron and instead dropped her arms to her hips.   
  
"Then why did you say 'oops'?"  
  
Ron pursed his lips and sighed, "I did tell her I was going to be studying in the library later today but never went. I don't know why she thought I said I'd meet her..."  
  
Ginny gasped, "Then she's an erotomaniac?"  
  
"What?" Hermione asked.   
  
Ginny shook her head, "No, it must have been a misunderstanding..."  
  
Ron stared, confused, "Maniac? What are you talking about Gin?"  
  
"Luna is just like that girl on that French/Muggle movie He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not!" Ginny grabbed the front of Ron's robes and shook him back and forth, on the verge of tears, "You have to save her Ron! Save her!"  
  
Ron pushed her off of him, "If anyone's the maniac around here, it's you Ginny."  
  
Ginny pouted and glared at both Hermione and Ron, "Fine, don't believe me! But when Luna hits you over the head with a paper weight because you tell her it's over between you two when there was nothing there to begin with... Don't. Blame. Me." Ginny turned around and stalked towards the Portrait Hole. But before she could open it, she turned around to say, "Oh, and beat up Malfoy for me if you have the time. Thank you very much." THEN she turned and stalked out.   
  
Ron turned to Hermione, "Do you know what she's on about?"  
  
Hermione began to lecture him on being an understanding brother and what it entails...  
  
But Ron had turned to sit next to Harry and copy him in studying instead. 


	2. A Damn Good Beating and Rapist McGonagal...

Chapter Two: A Damn Good Beating and Rapist McGonagall?  
  
Ron was on a mission. And that's not usually good. But this time, it surprisingly was.  
  
He had roamed the hallways in between classes, making sure to glare at a certain Malfoy every time he came in eye sight of him. He had made sure to mess up Malfoy's potion during Potions class and get away with it too. And he was going to beat him up after classes were over.  
  
Too bad Transfiguration, the last class of the day, was too bloody long. Ron tapped his quill against his desk top, watching Harry's new wrist watch as it was conveniently turned his way. He tapped his quill a bit more forcefully, watching the seconds pass by.  
  
Damn. Harry had moved his wrist to write something down.  
  
Damn, he stopped.  
  
Damn, Ron hadn't realized Professor McGonagall was calling on him.  
  
"Mr. Weasley!" she shrilled.  
  
Ron slammed his quill down for the last time and it broke.  
  
Damn, his last quill.  
  
"My quill!" Ron cried out in anguish.  
  
"Well if you hadn't been tapping it to death, Mr. Weasley, maybe you wouldn't have broken it. Now, since it is, in fact, broken, can you now pay attention to the lesson?" Professor McGonagall stared at him impatiently.  
  
He nodded, too mournful over his quill to care.  
  
Harry eyed Ron warily, wondering what was up with his best friend. Ron didn't care as Harry's wrist watch was back in place. Ron suddenly remembered why he had been tapping his quill in the first place... in anticipation of the afternoon, and the anticipation of the afternoon was due to his anticipation of beating up Malfoy, and he was beating up Malfoy because he had called his sister a bitch! It was all Malfoy's fault that his quill had broken.  
  
"Fuck you Malfoy, fuck you..." Ron muttered to himself. Harry decided to scoot his chair over a bit.  
  
Hermione raised her hand. She was sitting in front of Ron and he got a good view of her bra through her white blouse. Everyone had given up on robes since it was spring and the weather was warming up. This made Ron smile.  
  
But soon Malfoy was back on his mind.  
  
He mourned his quill.

* * *

"Do you think spello-tape will help?" Harry offered. Ron shook his head and heaved a big sigh, the pieces of his quill gripped in his hand. Classes had finally ended and he was making his way outside.  
  
"Are you sure Malfoy is out there?" Hermione asked Ron, trying to keep up with his long strides.  
  
Ron nodded, sure of it.  
  
Harry rolled his eyes, "Are you sure? Because you know Malfoy is unusually pale and going outside might ruin his complexion."  
  
Ron and Hermione laughed at his joke before turning serious, pushing open the front doors and heading outside onto the lawn. They spotted Malfoy's glinting rock-hard hair from a mile away. He was sitting by the lake doing homework and Ron hurried his pace. Hermione and Harry were running a ten mile long marathon to keep up with him.  
  
Ron had grown over the summer.  
  
"Malfoy! You called my sister a bitch and now you're going to pay, you bastard!" Ron dropped his books on the ground and Malfoy stood, flipping his hair away from his eyes.  
  
"Wanna bet?" Malfoy took out his wand.  
  
Ron pointed to his wand, "You won't need that..." Before Malfoy could respond, Ron had punched him square in the jaw. Malfoy collapsed backwards and moaned. Ron turned to whip his hair behind him and look lustfully at Hermione, "That... felt... GOOD!" Hermione rolled her eyes. Ron apparently loved that scene in the movie. She, on the other hand, didn't.  
  
"You idiot!" Malfoy cried out, "I didn't call your sister a bitch in the first place... Hell, I didn't know you had a sister!"  
  
"Well, he does! See the resemblance?" Ginny suddenly appeared through the throng of people surrounding the two boys, holding a lock of her wavy red hair up. She dropped it to place her hand on her hip and glared at the people watching. "What are you looking at?"  
  
They all stepped back and looked at each other before going back to their original activities.  
  
Malfoy stood up and looked from Ginny to Ron and back again, "You two... are related?"  
  
Ron and Ginny rolled their eyes at the same time. That proved it all.  
  
"Well, I don't recall calling your sister a bitch, so if you would apologize..." Draco motioned towards his jaw.  
  
Ron raised an eyebrow in mock confusion at Malfoy, "HA!" He picked up his books and walked away. Hermione and Harry followed, looking over their shoulders towards Ginny, wondering if she'd be okay. When they heard a sickening, "SMACK!" and saw that she had slapped him, they knew she'd be fine.

* * *

SMACK  
  
Ginny had slapped Malfoy good and hard. "You deserved that," she announced to him.  
  
"For calling you a name I don't remember?" he was now clutching his jaw with his right hand and his cheek with his left. Ginny stuck her nose up in the air and scurried off haughtily.  
  
Snort  
  
Malfoy groaned. Only one person he knew snorted.  
  
"Rather good show Draco," she purred in his ear, "If I was still your girlfriend, I would be rather jealous right now..."  
  
Draco turned to see Professor McGonagall perched on his shoulder in cat-form. He screamed. Professor McGonagall transfigured back into her human self and glared him down. Since when had she been his girlfriend? He wouldn't have done that willingly. Ew... wasn't that... illegal? Wait! McGonagall... a rapist?  
  
"Miss Parkinson, return to the Slytherin Common Room, this doesn't concern you..." McGonagall scolded. Draco turned to see that Pansy was indeed standing right behind him. He breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"Now, Mr. Malfoy, what seems to be the problem?" she raised her eyebrows, "Perhaps you should tell me on the way to the hospital wing."  
  
Draco was about to nod and tattle everything... but watching Pansy's fit body, her swaying hips and all, walking back to the castle, he had a sudden idea. "Oh no Professor, it was nothing. I'm fine, honestly," he lied, even when she stared knowingly at him. He smirked back. She swooned.  
  
"All right Mr. Malfoy, but if you ever decide to confess... please do," she turned and floated, as most Hogwarts teachers do, back to the castle.  
  
Draco grinned maliciously, scaring some first years, before hurrying back to the castle himself, to find Pansy... 


	3. Combs: The Key to Love and Revenge

Chapter Three: Combs: The Key to Love and Revenge  
  
Pansy Parkinson was a mighty good boxer. She had certain... issues and boxing helped to get them out once in awhile. She had a whole room reserved just for her and her boxing.  
  
Just by looking at her, you wouldn't know it. The make up, the clothing, the sluttiness... but underneath all that was a pretty angry girl and a great boxer. This is what Draco had in mind when he went looking for her.  
  
He caught up with her in the dungeons and grabbed her elbow to turn her around and face him. Draco was still clutching his jaw with his other hand and winced when a burning sensation went through his cheek one more time.  
  
SMACK  
  
"Don't scare me like that you jerk!" Pansy screamed at him. Draco raised his eyes to the heavens and moaned in pain. Pansy cleared her throat and straightened out her scandalously short skirt, "What did you want?"  
  
Draco glared at her, not bothering to put on his sexy smirk as it would hurt too much, "I wanted to ask you to do a favor for me."  
  
Pansy grinned and jumped on him, pushing him against the wall and was about to kiss him...  
  
"Gods Pansy! Not that kind of favor..." Draco pushed her backwards and felt ready to puke... so he did, "No, I meant a revenge favor." He grimaced as he realized he had just ruined his new shoes.  
  
"Revenge?" Pansy perked up, ignoring Draco's reaction to her... advances, "On who?"  
  
Draco looked left and right before leaning in, but not too close, and whispering, "Ginny Weasley."  
  
Pansy nodded knowingly, and that settled it all.

* * *

"Okay Luna, the key to getting Ron to like you (even if he is going out with Hermione), is to comb your hair," Ginny saluted Luna before pulling the dreaded comb out of her pocket.  
  
Luna and Ginny were in the Out of Order girls' loo, residence of Moaning Myrtle. But they didn't care as Moaning Myrtle was crying her eyes out in her reserved stall. She was head over heels in love with Neville Longbottom and he had rejected her the day before when she had followed him around the hallways in between classes.  
  
Luna looked ready to cry as well and shook her head upon seeing the comb, "No! I won't do it! I can't believe you have that cursed thing! In your pocket no less, Ginny Weasley," Luna was shaking with held in sobs.  
  
Ginny pursed her lips and rolled her eyes. It was just a stupid comb... "Listen Luna," she said in a very strict voice, "Do you want Ron to fall madly in love with you?" Myrtle's cries grew louder at the word love.  
  
Luna nodded silently.  
  
"Then let me comb your hair..." Ginny responded soothingly, "It won't hurt a bit." She reached out with the comb towards Luna's hair.  
  
"NO!" Luna backed away, "I want Ron to love me, but for who I am! Just like Heffalumps and Woosels love their mates for who THEY are... no matter what they look like..."  
  
Ginny ignored the strange animals she had mentioned, "But we're not... those things Luna!"  
  
Suddenly Moaning Myrtle appeared between the two of them. She looked mournfully at Luna and then glared mournfully at Ginny. "You know, Luna here is right Ginny."  
  
"What would you know? You're a ghost!" Ginny yelled, losing her temper. She had just wanted to help out her friend! She was risking her friendship with Hermione for this!  
  
Couldn't people... and ghosts... just give her a break for once?  
  
Moaning Myrtle burst out into another round of tears and floated back to her stall. Luna's big round eyes watered as they stared accusingly at Ginny. She sniffled and chased after Myrtle to comfort her.  
  
"Fine! Be that way!" Ginny shreiked, "But I'm leaving the comb here if you change your mind..." She slammed the comb down and shivered seductively as she caught sight of the engraved snake on the pipe underneath the next sink over. Ignoring it, she walked out of the bathroom.  
  
Ginny leaned against a nearby wall and turned stiff when she heard footsteps coming down the corridor. She thought that the corridor was usually deserted... except for her and Luna that is.  
  
Pansy Parkinson came around the corner and Ginny almost passed out with confusion. Why was SHE down here? But she apparently had a mission as she looked very determined.  
  
Then she tripped and Ginny burst out laughing.  
  
"Oh stuff it," Pansy muttered as she pushed herself back up. "You try walking in these heels..." She motioned towards her shoes that made her as tall as the ceiling. It also gave males the advantage as you could see right up her skirt to her Harry Potter underwear.  
  
Ginny quickly stopped her giggles and asked, "Why are you here?"  
  
Pansy rolled her eyes, "Draco wants revenge on you so I'm here to beat you up..."  
  
"You could just hit me over the head with one of your shoes and I'd be dead in a heartbeat," Ginny suggested. Pansy deeply considered this...  
  
"Nah, it would take too long to take these shoes off and it would be stupid to step on you," Pansy shrugged, "Hey, want to be friends?"  
  
Ginny shrugged and nodded.  
  
And so their friendship began.

* * *

"So, is she lying in the Hospital Wing... bruises all over her body? Her nose bleeding perhaps?" Draco asked as Pansy bumped her head on the entrance to the Slytherin Common Room.  
  
"Damn shoes," she muttered, purposely ignoring Draco.  
  
"Well?" he inquired, and flipped his hair so he could examine his nails.  
  
"Um... well..." she thought about how she could explain it, "We're best friends?"  
  
Draco chuckled and frowned, "You ARE kidding, aren't you?" Pansy shook her head regretfully. Draco threw a nail clipper at her head and hoped it poked her eyes out before stomping to his room and sitting down to write a very important letter.  
  
An hour later and he had decided on the color of ink he wanted to write with...  
  
Black.  
  
_Dear Father,_ (he wrote, obviously)  
  
_I would like to inform you that Pansy Parkinson has now made friends with the Weasley girl. I thought you would like this information as you've been wanting to get revenge on her family for quite some time ever since that card game with Mr. Parkinson. The cheating scoundrel.  
  
Anywho!  
  
Have fun in the Bahamas with Mum!  
  
Your masculine as hell son,  
  
Draco Malfoy_


	4. Pimpcanes and the Little Mermaid

Chapter Four: Pimpcanes and the Little Mermaid  
  
Lucius Malfoy was a dashing, sexy man. To Narcissa. But to the rest of the world, he was a jerk, a bastard, a non-flamboyant metrosexual. His immaculate hair was pulled back into a ponytail as usual. The clip holding it was adorned with My Little Pony's. And being a wizard, he charmed them to laugh and giggle and sometimes they would frolic on his shoulders. And give him advice.  
  
Narcissa wanted a divorce.  
  
Lucius arrived at Hogwarts promptly after he had received his son's letter. He wanted to make sure that Pansy Parkinson would end her friendship with the Weasley brat as soon as possible. Sure, he wanted revenge on Mr. Parkinson... but he also wanted the Parkinsons' money. And to have that, he would need Draco and Pansy to at least know each other so someday Draco would ask Pansy's hand in marriage and he'd be rich! Even richer than he was at that moment.  
  
He entered Hogwarts and groaned at the sight of all the happy children laughing and running about. He thrust his cane out at one of them and they tripped. "Oops!" he looked guilty. The little child glared with tears in his eyes.  
  
"You're a mean, evil man!" the child stood up and kicked at Lucius's cane.  
  
"Hey! That's a one of a kind pimpcane! I got this on Ebay..." he mumbled to himself and glared at the boy. The boy glared back and ran off to find his friends.  
  
Arriving at the Slytherin Common Rooms, Lucius muttered the password as it was always the same: "Purebloods Rock!".  
  
He breathed in the musty air... ah, to be back in the dungeons once again!  
  
Rain Dazzle and Mist Happy began to choke, "Ew," Butter Sparkles claimed, "This place doesn't have proper air circulation." While Botox Princess shivered, "This place is fr-freezing."  
  
"Oh stuff it you bunch of no-good..." Lucius was cut off by the stares of several Slytherin males. The females however thought it cute and were asking him how he had charmed the My Little Pony's to talk like that.  
  
He ignored them and made his way to his son's dormitory.  
  
Ah, to be in the dungeon dormitories once again!  
  
"This place is so green it makes me want to puke!" Fire Burns cried out. Minty Bubbles took offense to this as she was a hue of mint green. They began to bitch slap each other. Lucius rolled his eyes.  
  
"Draco my son, I have arrived to help you with this... Weasley problem of yours," he began.  
  
Draco was talking to the mice that were eating his chocolates. They were singing as they did so, "Draconius, Draconius, ... Write a letter, to your father, and hurry! hurry! hurry!" They were off key and couldn't remember the song very well... but Draco didn't care as he had a lack of experience in Disney Movies.  
  
"How did you get here so fast?" Draco asked.  
  
"I went over the river and through the woods," Lucius replied as if it was obvious.  
  
"To Grandmother's house we go!" Cherry Seed and Yodel Blossom broke into song.  
  
Draco looked horrified, "Father?"  
  
"Don't ask," Lucius commanded. Draco shrugged.  
  
"So what's the plan to get rid of Ginny Weasley?"  
  
Lucius cackled and broke into maniacal laughter, "I'm not sure yet."

* * *

Ginny sat idly by the lake, staring at the giant squid.  
  
Suddenly she was pushed into the said lake and realized she couldn't swim! She gargled and passed out, and drifted to the sandy bottoms. But just then a little mermaid was swimming by and caught sight of Ginny's red hair.  
  
"Oh! I have red hair too! I will help her!" so she did. She called in dolphin speak to the Giant Squid, "Fernando!" He came willingly. With his help, Ginny was set to shore. The Little Mermaid gave her mouth to mouth recesitation and she was good as new!  
  
Ginny awoke. She was confused... she must have fallen asleep. Her dream had been awfully weird too.  
  
Catching sight of The Giant Squid, Ginny waved. The Giant Squid waved back and Ginny thought she saw some sort of fish flopping around behind him, trying to gain her attention... but she shrugged it off.  
  
Why was she wet?

* * *

"So plan A didn't work," Lucius muttered to Draco once they were back in his dormitory.  
  
"Then what will?" Draco asked, annoyed, "Honestly Father, how many people have you killed?"  
  
Lucius turned to glare at him, all the My Little Pony's followed suit, "Hey! I didn't know that what's-her-face would be there to rescue her! And I also didn't plan for Fernando to suddenly be the rescue squid!" Joyous Flame shook her hoof at him.  
  
Draco turned back to the singing mice. "Yo-ho! Yo-ho! A micey life for me!"  
  
"I'll think of something tomorrow," Lucius said. Music suddenly flowed from the ceiling, light filled the room, making him look like a god, and his hair broke free of the hair tie and was rippling in the sudden arrival of wind, the My Little Pony's shreiked as they flew back against the wall, "I'll think of it all tomorrow... at Malfoy Manor. Because Tomorrow is another day!" His southern accent came through and poof! he morphed into Scarlett O'Hara.  
  
"Hey! Where's my father?" Draco demanded, standing up and facing the woman whose skirts didn't even fit in the room.  
  
She was looking around in amazement, "Where am I?"  
  
Draco was defeated as he shrugged in response.  
  
"Ashley? Is that you?"  
  
Draco's eyebrows rose. 


	5. Snape Gets a Haircut and Mistaken Identi...

Chapter Five: Snape Gets a Haircut and Mistaken Identities  
  
After Draco had helped his 'father' charm off his huge skirt and petticoats, he led 'him' to the Common Room to find Pansy Parkinson. Draco spotted her sitting in a corner reading a romance novel. The cover read, "Midnight Passion Among the Algae by Sappy the Sea Monkey". There was a picture of a fish tank underneath it covered in algae.  
  
"Hey!..." Pansy trailed off at the sight of Scarlett, "Who's this?" She looked offended.  
  
Draco slouched, "My father in the form of a woman. It just happened, okay?" He replied to Pansy's look of confusion.  
  
Suddenly, a small voice sounded from behind him, "Oooh, this guy has a nice ass!" Draco turned to see a small rubber pony with a rainbow plastered on its butt. Draco glared at it menacingly. The other ponies blanched.  
  
"Why, this place is... rather cold..." Scarlett shivered and crossed her arms.  
  
"Anyway," Draco continued, turning around to face Pansy again, "I need some of your clothes..."  
  
Pansy shook her head, "I'm not letting her borrow my clothes! I'll go steal Millie's."  
  
Scarlett perked up, "Melly!? She's here? But... she died! How could it be...?" She had tears in her eyes and obviously wasn't listening as she rushed to Pansy who was walking towards the Girls' Dormitories. "Bring me to Melly! I must see her!"  
  
"Millie?" Pansy asked, "You know her?" Scarlett nodded in earnest and Pansy shrugged.  
  
When they were gone, Draco slumped into a chair and sighed. How had this mess started? He needed to see Professor Snape. He would know what to do and if he didn't know... he'd gulp have to see Professor Dumbledore.  
  
His father was some woman named Scarlett O'hara. Who was she?

* * *

On the other side of the castle, Ginny was once again helping Luna to make Ron fall madly in love with her. Luna, that is.  
  
"I can't believe you're friends with Pansy Parkinson Ginny! That's like the snorckackels becoming friends with whoosawhatsits," Luna said with a grin. Her hair had dreadlocks and was slowly resembling a thorn bush.  
  
"Right..." Ginny trailed off, still in awe of Luna's hair, "Listen, we need to form a plan. I think you need to first become friends with Ron before you ask him to Hogsmeade."  
  
Luna's grin dropped, "But we are friends, aren't we?"  
  
Ginny shook her head, "No, you aren't. So you should be... casual when you are with him. Just ask him how his day went. Or compliment him on his Quidditch skills!"  
  
"But that would be lying Ginny," Luna shook her head solemnly.  
  
"What would?" Ginny asked.  
  
She sighed, "Telling him he's good at Quidditch."  
  
Ginny rolled her eyes, "Oh please, a little white lie now and then never hurts. Besides, it'll get you a date to Hogsmeade!"  
  
"But it would be a BIG lie. And if I'm going to be dating Ronald, I don't want to lie to him," Luna looked at Ginny for advice.  
  
"So... don't compliment him on his Quidditch skills then! Simple as that!" Ginny paused, "Look! There he is, go for it." She pushed Luna off in the direction of the Library where she had seen Ron heading towards. Luna looked hesitant but went in anyway.  
  
"What are you doing?" a voice asked behind her, making Ginny jump. She turned to see Hermione looking at her accusingly.  
  
Ginny started to stutter, "N-nothing! Just h-having fun with Luna!" She nodded to reassure herself.  
  
Hermione groaned and waved goodbye to her before heading towards... the Library! Ginny gasped and hurried after her.

* * *

Severus Snape hated it when his mother came into town. He had visited her the night before in Hogsmeade and regretted it instantly. She had taken one look at his hair and charmed it all off. Well, most of it anyway. It was short now. Short and greasy. Making him look like some sort of... suave womanizer. Damn. He hated it when he looked good.  
  
He was walking down the hallway to see about ordering a wig until his hair grew back when somebody tapped him on the shoulder. Snape turned around to see a gorgeous woman admiring him.  
  
"Rhett?" she cooed, "My, do you look different!" She was actually flirting with him? Wait. Had she called him Rhett?  
  
"Excuse me... but," Snape was cut off.  
  
"Oh Rhett! I know you hate me, but I've changed! I don't love Ashley anymore! He loves Melly, who is still dead by the way and... and... OH RHETT! Forgive me..." she burst into tears and threw herself at him.  
  
He tried to push her away but she clung onto him like a magnet. Stupid hair cut.  
  
"Father! Get away from him!" Draco sneered, looking disgusted as he tried to pull the woman off of Snape. Snape couldn't help but thank the heavens that his student had come to the rescue. Wait again! Father?  
  
"Father?" Snape asked Draco.  
  
Draco finally pulled the woman off of him and sighed, "Yes, this is Father. He suddenly morphed into whoever this is and I was hoping you'd know why..."  
  
Snape backed away as the woman looked ready to burst into tears again, "Why was your father visiting in the first place?"  
  
"To kill... oh never mind," Draco pushed the woman on the floor as she was getting ready to cling to him as well.  
  
"Ashley! How rude!" Scarlett pulled herself up again and marched off.  
  
Draco groaned, "Here we go again..."

* * *

Scarlett sobbed as she wandered down the hallway. Little did she notice that a redheaded girl was running towards her.  
  
"Excuse me," the girl muttered before rushing into the room ahead of them.  
  
"Wait!" Scarlett called. The girl turned around, clearly in a hurry and getting annoyed.  
  
Ginny took in the girl in front of her and noticed that she was wearing Slytherin robes. But she didn't recognize her at all... "Who are you?"  
  
"Scarlett O'hara," the woman answered, "I was hoping to find someone who could help me out of here. You see, I was on my way to Tara when suddenly I appeared here."  
  
Ginny, having read every classic Muggle American book in existance suddenly became very hyper and excited. "OhmyGod!!! You're SCARLETT O'HARA! But how is this possible?" She stopped to ponder but gave up, "Yes! This is soooo cool!"  
  
"What's so cool?" Harry asked, having just entered the Library to meet up with Ron and Hermione.  
  
Ginny, taking one look at Harry suddenly remembered why she was in the Library and hurried off to find Luna. Harry was left with the woman Ginny had been gushing over and awkwardly introduced himself. She giggled when he held out his hand for her to shake. Harry blushed and excused himself.  
  
"Forget Ashley AND Rhett..." Scarlett thought as she watched the boy named Harry walk away. 


	6. A Ritual and Some Stupid Magical Herb

Chapter Six: A Ritual and Some Stupid Magical Herb  
  
Draco sat down at his usual spot in the Potion's classroom while Professor Snape sat at his desk. The greasy haired professor picked up a few books and began to flip through them page by page. Draco had thought about going after the woman but decided not to. If she changed back into his father, good. And if she didn't, who cared?  
  
"I think this is it," Snape muttered to himself. Draco noticed that his hair was shorter and that Snape actually looked pretty handsome. This made him shiver with disgust.  
  
"What is?" Draco asked, standing to see what he was talking about.  
  
Professor Snape pointed to an unpronouncable Latin spell.  
  
"What does it do?"  
  
"If a person somehow mirrors the personality of a character in a book, they can call on the ethereal spirits of American Bestsellers and become the main character of a book," Snape shook his head, looking in pity towards Draco.  
  
Draco willed himself not to break down. He would fix this... he would! "How do we know that my father has turned into a character from a book?"  
  
He shrugged, "That seems to be the only explanation..."  
  
"What's the counter curse?"  
  
Snape flipped the page, "Here. But it's not a simple curse. One must find the book that this character is from."  
  
"Is that all? I'm sure I could just ask a Mudblood who she is..." Draco shrugged, "Because I sure don't know who she is. Well, her name is Scarlett O'hara and it sounds Irish. But other than that..."  
  
"I'm afraid that's not all," his professor kept reading, "You must also take this book into a forest, of which the school conveniently has, and perform a ritual. You need a drop of blood from the character and a lock of your idol's hair. Then you need your true love to kiss you passionately and then you, your true love, and the character need to see the movie that was derived from said book. Plus, you must find some stupid magical herb and the character needs to eat it before midnight... the midnight after you have received a drop of blood from the character."  
  
Draco rolled his eyes, "Obviously she's from a Muggle book if there's a movie on it."  
  
Snape sighed heavily, "But what if there isn't? Not all Muggle books have movies based on them."  
  
"Shit."

* * *

A few minutes later and Draco had found his "Father" who had been peering around the Library doors.  
  
"What in Hell are you doing?" he asked loudly.  
  
"Shh! I'm spying on a really handsome man..." Scarlett giggled.  
  
Draco sneered in disgust and walked into the Library, setting his gaze in the general direction of where Scarlett's eyes were trained on. All he saw was Weasley, Mudblood and Potter sitting at a table doing homework. Oh, and that Loony girl who was hovering over Weasel and even when he batted her away, she would just keep peering over his shoulder and say mystical things. Then he caught sight of the other Weasley. The girl. She appeared from behind a bookshelf and was trying to pull Loony away.  
  
"I don't see a really handsome man," Draco said then smirked, "Well, if you gave me a mirror..."  
  
Scarlett drew a hand up to her forehead and swooned, "His name is Harry and I think I'm in..."  
  
"POTTER!?" Draco yelled then lowered his voice to a hoarse whisper, "You like Harry Bloody Potter?" Scarlett, not being British, didn't get why his middle name would be "Bloody".  
  
Scarlett shrugged in return.  
  
"This is just great. My father is in love with Potter..." Draco turned to bang his head against the wall. Scarlett went back to spying.

* * *

"Luna, pleeeeeaaaase come with me?" Ginny asked. Luna shook her head and went back over to Ron to peer over his shoulder again. Hermione glared at Luna in disgust and Harry didn't seem to notice.  
  
Ginny sighed and gave up. Luna's heart was set on 'Ronald'.  
  
"You know Ronald," Luna said, "Your Keeper skills are equal to that of a Beezalbusaur's eating habits." She nodded to prove her point. Ron stared up at her with a weird look on his face.  
  
"Is that a good thing?" he asked. Luna nodded again and Ginny could see she was trying not to blurt out that it was a lie.  
  
Ron smiled in thanks for the 'compliment' and sighed, "Listen Luna, we're trying to study so if you could go play with Ginny or something."  
  
Luna smiled, "Sure Ronald!" Ginny rolled her eyes. Of course she would listen to 'Ronald'. But when Luna walked off, she went in the opposite direction of Ginny and out the Library doors. Ginny followed closely behind.  
  
Luna's destination was the Girls' loo where she pulled out a comb from her pocket and began to comb out her many tangles. Because the comb was, of course, magical it instantly pulled through them. Ginny's jaw dropped.  
  
"LUNA!" she cried, "You said that combs were the work of satan!" Ginny ran up and tried to pull the comb out of Luna's hand but Luna kicked her in the shin and went back to combing her hair with a rather sadistic smile on her face.  
  
"I loooooove Ronald, Ginny. I'm going to make him MINE!" Then she cackled and Ginny knew... she had lost her forever. Ginny tried not to cry at the pain in her shin and hobbled out of the bathroom to lean against the wall.

* * *

"Ashley," Scarlett was doing some sort of dance as she bounced up and down slightly, "Is there an outhouse around here?"  
  
Draco raised his eyes to heaven, finally! An excuse to stop 'spying' on Potter. "Sure, down here." He lead her to the Girls' loo but stopped when he saw a certain Weasley Girl standing against the wall looking ready to cry. He had seen her exit the Library before but she had been in such a hurry that he hadn't been able to insult her at least once.  
  
"Well, look who it is!" Draco called out, "None other but a sobbing Weasley."  
  
"Go away Malfoy..." Ginny grumbled.  
  
Scarlett went into the loo and Draco caught sight of a maniacal-looking Luna Lovegood who was combing her hair. Slightly disturbed, he nodded and obliged to Ginny's request.

* * *

In Herbology class the next day, Draco was growling at Crabbe and Goyle about Ginny Weasley and how stupid she was. They nodded and half listened to him.  
  
"Okay class!" Professor Sprout said, "Today we are going to look at some stupid magical herbs! Get your gloves on!"  
  
Draco instantly perked up. Some stupid magical herbs? This was part of the ritual! He saw that there were many weird looking herbs on the table in front of him, he grabbed one and placed it in his robe pocket. Yes! Something to check off his list.  
  
The rest of the class was rather boring and Draco blocked it out. 


	7. Pansy Wears a Sweater

Chapter Seven: Pansy Wears a Sweater 

"I'm depressed Ginny," Pansy sighed to prove her point. Ginny nodded and announced she was too. "Why are YOU depressed? I'm supposed to become a Death Eater, I can't find my Gucci dresses, and my Father has turned into some woman named Scarlett! Oh wait, that's Draco." Pansy crossed her arms and hugged herself. Ginny noticed that she was wearing an ugly sweater the size of Hogwarts. Yep. She was depressed.

"I'm depressed because Luna has turned into a maniacal comb lover. Not to mention she has her sights set on Ronald," here she made quotations with her fingers, "But see, Hermione is his girlfriend. So he's going to turn Luna down no matter what." Pansy shrugged.

Draco suddenly appeared with Scarlett in tow.

"Pansy, we need to... talk," he looked Ginny up and down before pulling Pansy away. That was the third time that day! Draco kept needing Pansy to talk to him and whenever Pansy showed up again, Ginny would ask her what they talked about and Pansy would shrug and sigh deeply.

Malfoy is just jealous! Ginny concluded. That Bastard!

"Hello again," Scarlett greeted. Ginny looked up, confused, and her eyes sparkled.

* * *

After pulling Pansy away again just to show the Weasley Girl who was boss... he went in search of the rest of the things on his list. But after he had found a lock of his idol's hair (Norah Jones) in the hallway, he realized that he needed a drop of blood from Scarlett. But where was she? He turned full circle and realized she was gone!

Draco remembered he had left her with the Weasley Girl. He went in search of her but couldn't find her. "Great, just when I need her, she's gone," Draco thought to himself. Then he heard voices.

"Then Rhett said, 'Why Scarlett!'," giggles sounded and Draco recognized the Southern Accent. Aha!

He rounded the corner and there he saw Scarlett and the Weasley Girl on the floor laughing. "Gone with the Wind was a great book!" Ginny said in between laughter.

"What's this book you speak of?" Scarlett asked.

"The book you came from," Ginny replied.

Draco almost died from shock! Yay! He had found what book his father's character was from. He just needed to buy it... or maybe the Weasley Girl had it. She had obviously read it. Gone with the Wind... it sounded like some sort of tumbleweed.

Draco cleared his throat and glared viciously at Ginny, "Excuse me, but Scarlett here is mine."

Ginny glared back, "We were just talking, Malfoy. Besides, you took Pansy away so I took Scarlett..." she stood up and crossed her arms. Scarlett followed suit.

"Yes Ashley, you have been mean to me this whole time! I know Melly is gone and all, but that doesn't mean you can just push me off to the side! And would you mind telling me where the hell I am!?" Scarlett's southern accent rose up an octave and she looked ready to cry.

Ginny backed away. Draco was a bit frightened, "Er, you are at Hogwarts School for ..."

"Lobsters! Yes, this is a cooking school!" Ginny cut in. Draco sent her a frown. She stuck her tongue out at him.

"A cooking school?" Scarlett looked skeptical, "But Rhett doesn't know how to cook. Nor do you Ashley."

Ginny Obliviated her. Scarlett looked around, confused yet again. Draco led her to an empty classroom that seemed to be rampant at Hogwarts and motioned Ginny over. Once Scarlett was inside the classroom, Draco shut the door and leaned against it. Ginny stood in front of him with one eyebrow raised.

"Mind explaining what's going on?"

* * *

An hour later and Scarlett had started banging on the door. Plus, Ginny knew everything. Well, almost everything. Draco told her about his father coming (but not the reason why), how he had turned into Scarlett O'hara, the ritual that would reverse the spell, and how he only had two items on the list.

"Do you have this Gone with the Wind book? I really need it and I'll pay you any price you name!" Draco stared at her with eyes full of hope. It always worked.

Ginny's jaw was open and her eyes were placed squarely on his. They hadn't moved since he had mentioned his father's sudden... change. She slowly nodded.

Draco jumped in the air and screeched, "YES!!" But little did he realize that he had uncovered the empty classroom's door and Scarlett had access to open it. And open it she did. Scarlett appeared with a tear stained face and glaring eyes.

"Why... where...?" She passed out into Ginny's arms and Ginny being quite small, collapsed underneath her.

"'elp...!" she croaked and pushed Scarlett off of her. She took in a deep breath of air and sat up.

Draco leaned down to her eye level, "So, could you get me the book?" he asked earnestly. Ginny shook her head, "Why not?" Draco whined.

"It's at my house," she replied.

Draco rolled his eyes, "Figures. Well, can't you have your parents mail it here or something?"

Ginny once again shook her head, still breathing deeply, "My parents are on vacation."

"WHAT!?" he yelled, "Your parents are on vacation!? But you can't afford your house let alone a hotel room!" He stood up angrily and began to pace back and forth.

"We could just fly to your house and get the book... it is the Hogsmeade weekend, nobody would notice."

Ginny nodded and tried to help Scarlett wake up by slapping her a couple of times. The black haired woman's eyes opened and she screamed then promptly fainted again. Ginny rolled her eyes and gave up. Standing, Draco suddenly grabbed her by the shoulders.

"Will you go to Hogsmeade with me?" he asked, "Well, technically speaking?"

Ginny looked offended, "Me! Go to Hogsmeade with you!? You're a bastardly jerk Draco Malfoy. I wouldn't go to Hogsmeade with you if my life depended on it!"

Draco seemed a bit hurt by her statement but he shrugged, "Fine, then I'll go alone!"

"I said I wouldn't go to Hogsmeade with you. That doesn't mean I won't fly to my house to get a book with you," Ginny smiled. Draco smirked back.

It was a touching moment. Scarlett screamed again. Ginny requested 500 million galleons for the book. Draco fainted.


	8. One Hot Whore and Another Erotomaniac Ap...

Chapter Eight: One Hot Whore and Another Erotomaniac Appearance 

Ginny was talking to Pansy. Again. They were standing by the Great Hall looking depressed. Again. Harry couldn't stand it. Again. Why were they friends all of a sudden? He just didn't get it!

"That damn Pansy," Harry muttered to himself, "Always chatting with Ginny like she's her friend..."

Ron shrugged, "Hey, as long as she's not Draco Malfoy."

Harry sighed. He hated to admit it... but Pansy was one hot whore. And in that ugly sweater? It sent a shiver through Harry's spine. She was a slut and he wanted her.

"Ron, would you kill me if I said I kind of... fancied Pansy? In a sick, sick, sick way? What if I thought she was a hot whore-y slut and I want to have mad passionate sex with her?" Harry smiled innocently and ran his hand through his hair to 'accidentally' show off his scar. The scar that always won Ron over.

"Wow, I almost forgot, you're the Boy-Who-Lived!" Ron pointed at his scar and laughed, "Well," he shrugged, "As long as she's not Draco Malfoy!"

Harry breathed a sigh of relief and turned to see that Draco Malfoy was leading his whore away! He followed after them and watched as Malfoy yelled at her to never speak to Ginny again. Malfoy left. Harry snuck up on Pansy.

"BOO!"

Pansy shrieked and jumped seductively into his arms. "Oh Potter... it's you," she sneered in disgust and pushed herself out of his arms.

Harry smiled sheepishly, "Yep, good ol' me. Well, cutting to the point: I think you're a whore, hot Pansy. Will you go to date on a Hogsmeade with me?" He thought through all he had just said and slapped himself. Silly Harry, always messing up everything. Instead of correcting himself, he flashed her his penis and smiled innocently.

Pansy melted, "Oh Harry," she cooed, "You're so... sweet. I'll go to Hogsmeade with you!" She patted the top of his head like he was a three year old boy and spun off to head back to her Common Room. While she spun around, her skirt flared up and Harry caught sight of her Harry Potter underwear. He grinned.

* * *

After Harry had left him, Ron went in search of Hermione. He made sure to check all of the Girls' loos, especially under the stall doors. "Tee hee," Ron giggled.

He decided to check the Library for the fifth time when out of the nearby loo came Luna Lovegood. "Just great," Ron thought, "Loony has come to breath all over me again."

"Oh Ronald," she smiled, "You're so romantic!" she kissed him on the cheek and hurried off. Ron shrugged.

Heading back to the Common Room, Ron didn't see Hermione anywhere, so he decided to take a quick nap in his dormitory. When he got up there though, Dean and Seamus were laughing. Hard. Not to mention pointing at his bed. Ron didn't see anything suspicious, but on closer inspection...

On his bed was a picture. No, a painting, of him and Luna in a rather, passionate position. He cringed. They were both naked. Ron gagged. He ran to the waste bin.

"Got the hots for Loony Lovegood?" Dean catcalled.

"Yeah," Seamus laughed, "I didn't even know you could paint that well Ron... ald!" Dean joined him as they both gasped for air in between laughs.

Ron groaned and charmed away his vomit before turning to yell at them, "I didn't draw that! Luna must have! She's been all over me ever since I apparently promised her I would meet her in the Library but never went!"

"Sure Ronald," Dean said in a soothing voice, "And how do you think Luna got up here to put this picture on your bed?"

"I don't know," Ron shook his head, "Maybe she got the password from Ginny!"

Seamus was examining the painting and handed it to Ron, "Hey, there's writing on the back."

Ron took it and flipped it over, on the back was written: 'Thank you so much Ronald! I can't wait to run away at Hogsmeade and go to Paris with you. XOXOXO Your true love...

L-is for the way you LOOK at me

O-is for the only ONE I see..."

"Gah!" Ron threw the painting down and stomped on it. "She's crazed! She's gone mad! I'm going to Dumbledore..."

Dean picked up the painting and scanned what was on the back, "Geez. She has it bad for you. But I can see why. Paris, Ronald?"

"Stop calling me Ronald! And no, I didn't promise her a trip to Paris!" Ron cried out.

Seamus grinned, "But what would you tell Dumbledore Ronald? 'Oh Professor, Luna has this mad obsession with me!' He'd just tell you she fancied you."

Ron rolled his eyes and flopped onto his bed. He needed a nap.

And a restraining order.

* * *

Hermione was making a quick walk to the Kitchens to grab something to eat before she got down to hard studying when suddenly she was being pushed against the wall. She felt her head tugged back before she blacked out. "No! My books!" was her last thought as they tumbled from her arms.

Neville had it bad for Luna Lovegood. But all she could talk about was Ronald-this and Ronald-that. He absolutely loathed Ronald Weasley. He was on his way to the Great Hall for dinner when he caught sight of Luna reading a book on the marble staircase.

"Hey Luna," Neville greeted and sat next to her, "What are you reading?"

"Gone with the Wind," Luna replied and set it down, "Did I tell you my amazing adventure today?"

Neville shook his head.

"Well," Luna began, "I finally combed my hair," Neville gaped in awe at her beautiful hair.

"But I thought you hated combs!" Neville cried.

She rolled her eyes, "Silly Neville, I love combs! Anyway... after I combed my hair, I painted a picture and gave it to Ronald. He absolutely loved it! And can you believe it? He's taking me to Paris this weekend during Hogsmeade!"

"What?" Neville hissed, "Since when?"

"Since he wrote me this," she took a piece of paper out of her pocket and handed it to him.

Dear Luna,

You are my everything and I was hoping you would go to Paris with me this weekend during Hogsmeade.

Write me back!

Love,

You-Know-Who

Neville stared at it awkwardly, "Do you know who this You-Know-Who person is Luna?"

"Of course! It's Ronald!"

"No... well, did he tell you that specifically? Give you any hints?" he asked.

Luna looked away and then turned and stared at him in the eyes, "Who else could it be?" she shrugged and put her head on her knees.

Neville set the paper down and decided to leave. Something was wrong with this situation and he didn't want to be a part of it. Luna receiving a letter from You-Know-Who? Was it Ron? Wasn't Ron dating Hermione?

And why was Luna suddenly combing her hair?


End file.
